7+ hours in 1,000 words or less

Thanks to Fark.

Republicans: The American People want this bill gone because they hate it. Look at the polls.


Obama: Yes, but they love every individual thing in the bill when it isn't spun that there are going to be death panels and other lies you all made up. What they hate is the cost, but the reality is that bills cost money.

Republicans: But you are taking over the entire health care industry.

Obama: Alright, but you say that citing reasons which are actually Republican ideas that we included in the bill.

Republicans: Whatever, we want it all scrapped or we will continue to filibuster, and we don't want you to use reconciliation or anything else we used to ram our ideas down your throats for the first 6 years of Bush. These Senate rules that allow for a simple majority vote are un-American!

Obama: What don't you understand about how being in the minority works? If you want me to phrase it differently, we have a Democratic President and the 2nd largest majority ever, down from the largest majority ever by 1 vote, because the American people you are so fond of quoting voted your asses out after 8 years of you completely farking up our entire system. Know your place.

Republicans: Ok, fine, but the American people hate this bill because it costs too much money. We can't afford it.

Obama: Yeah, but the CBO states it will reduce our deficit in the long run compared to doing nothing. That's otherwise known as "not paying as much." It does cost money, and health care reform will cost a lot of money. It won't cost us more money than would otherwise be spent though.

Republicans: Fine, but we want it all done in small bills rather than a big, comprehensive one. That's how it should be done.

Obama: That's what we've done since you guys killed reform in the 90s. Now look where we are. If you go to fix one thing, you have to enforce it by fixing another thing, which leads to another thing, and not taking care of the side-effects each change has is the reason so many of our small bills in the past like the donut hole are now destroying us.

Republicans: But we want it all scrapped. We have to start over even though we agree on a majority of the things in the bill. We believe that suddenly all these issues will magically change and we will come up with brand new ideas tackling these problems that haven't been thought up in the past year. And we'll play fairly with you this time rather than completely abusing the filibuster process and demanding you do not use similar tactics that the majority gets to enjoy, we promise!

Obama: You already said you wanted it scrapped, I already said no.

Republicans: Ok well then we want the bill to consist mainly of our bill instead of yours. That way we can only cover 1/10th of all the uninsured people and basically do nothing useful to avert the impending disaster we are heading into at our current rate.

Obama: YOU ARE IN THE MINORITY. YOU DON'T GET TO CALL THE SHOTS. WHAT IS SO farkING DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS?

Republicans: But this bill costs too much money. We can't afford it and the American people don't want it.

Obama: ... ok now you're just farking with me, right?
 
Now, to be fair, it wasn't all Obama, all the time.  Most of these points were made by Democrats and Obama.